


Hopeless, But What Can I Do?

by SnakeMonster33



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Eating Disorders, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, I'm bad at writing, Lee Taeyong Needs a Hug, Out of Character, Physical Abuse, Responsible Taeyong (But Maybe Not To Himself), Sexual Abuse, Swearing, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-22
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2019-08-27 11:22:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16701568
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SnakeMonster33/pseuds/SnakeMonster33
Summary: "It wasn’t like Taeyong was starving himself. That wasn’t it at all—at least that’s what he liked to think. Really, the life of being an idol was difficult and demanding. The only way he could control his life was by limiting his own food intake (that didn’t exactly do anything for him either).""'With a face full of poorly hidden rage, he clambered around the desk and right up into the younger man’s face. “I’d better hope not! Otherwise, your punishment wouldn’t be as lenient as the one I’m granting you.” He spat at Taeyong, the slobber landing into his left eye.'"Honestly, this is complete trash. I couldn't write well (not that I ever do) because this is such a heavy topic to work with. I hope no one is subjected to this abuse—ever—as it is obviously a horrible experience. I'm very sorry if this work has offended anyone with how it's going at the moment.





	1. Well, Not Well

**Author's Note:**

> I...this is the first work I have that I won't be deleting.....yay? It is a very heavy topic, I don't know if I can convey all the emotions and grief that are compacted within this experience.
> 
> Edit; I accidentally made this story 1 chapter at one point? sorry y'all, I'm not finished yet...

    It wasn’t like Taeyong was starving himself. That wasn’t it at all — at least that’s what he liked to think. Really, the life of being an idol was difficult and demanding. The only way he could control his life was by limiting his own food intake (that didn’t exactly do anything for him either).

     ‘I wonder if I could take a shower before I see the boss’, the boy thought ‘Do I have enough time for that?’. Even if he were to shower, he would always walk out of the building with sticky substances clinging to his body. Taeyong shivered. He wasn’t willing to think or speak about that —so he didn’t. 

     With slow steps, he prowled up the stairs—could anyone hear him? He hoped not. It was four in the morning. ‘It’s way too early for young men with days off’, Taeyong pondered with a small frown. It would be a shame to disturb them.

     Once he made it up—it took a lot of effort, surprisingly—he sneaked to the bathroom. Taeyong stripped his clothes off, barely flinching at the sight of himself in the mirror. What he did flinch at was the cold temperature of the water cascading down his back. He couldn’t afford to have warm water—he had to save that for the others. Shivering appropriately, soap was lathered onto his body (courtesy of himself), over his prominent ribs and bony structure. Man, that was  _ freezing _ ! 

     After hastily shampooing, he stepped out of the shower and heaved in a harsh breath. He had forgotten to bring clothes with him. Glancing at the door, he muttered to himself. “Damn it, no towel either.”

     Cautiously slipping out the bathroom door, he tiptoed his way to the laundry room. He had done laundry just the day before, attempting to remove a certain creamy liquid. _Gross_.

     Taeyong picked at a stain—still prominent as ever. Sighing gently, he pulled the sweater over his head, grimacing at the crusty feeling. Oh gosh, he was going to  _ hate _ this meeting. What was he to really do though? He couldn’t miss it—no matter how much he might’ve wanted or considered. 

     If Taeyong didn’t go—he flinched into himself—he was told Lucas would have to go instead. He knew why. With another sigh (an irritated one this time), he rushed to the door. He could feel he was running late. Taeyong slipped out the front door after stumbling down the stairs, in a panicked haze.

     Taeyong ran down the street, screeching to a halt in front of a looming structure. SM Entertainment. He stopped to look at the architecture—the way the small statues seem like menacing beasts, their smiles twisting into nasty delight. Had he mentioned that he despised that building?

     Exhaling, he pushed through the door. What met him there was NCT’s manager. “You know he’s waiting?”

     Taeyong felt tears welling up in his eyes. “I know, he always is.”

     She glanced over at Taeyong as they both boarded the elevator. “He seems very...riled up right now. I could tell when I was on the phone with him.”

     “Of course, thank you for the warning.”

     She gave him another fleeting glance. Just as he stepped out of the elevator, she called out to him, her eyes filled with sympathy. “You’re going to need it.”

     With that, the doors shut—rather loudly, if Taeyong must admit.

     Taking in a deep breath, Taeyong knocked on the office door of the CEO. He had hoped today would be one of the good days, but that didn’t seem probable from the information given. Oh boy, what was he going to do?

     “—ome in.” 

     ‘Let’s hope.’

     Taeyong pulled the handle down, hoping for mercy.

     ‘ _ Please! _ ’

     “You’ve disappointed me,Yongie.”

     ‘Oh _ shit _ . He brought out the nickname.’ With an internal groan, he plopped down into the chair beside the door. The office walls were a blood red, and it was at that time that Taeyong recalled what it was intended to hide. “Stand up, bitch. Did I tell you that you could sit on your lazy ass?”

     “No, sir. I’m sorry”, the words trickled out of his mouth absentmindedly—not that he would let the CEO know. “I won’t do it again.”

     With a face full of poorly concealed rage, he clambered around the desk and right up into the younger man’s face. “I’d better hope not! Otherwise, your punishment wouldn’t be as lenient as the one I’m granting you.” He spat at Taeyong, the slobber landing into his left eye. 

     Without so much as a care, the CEO gripped Taeyong’s wrists in a bruising grasp. Gasping in pain, Taeyong wheezed in despair. The CEO brought a smack onto the other’s ass, taking pleasure in looking at the struggling boy. “That’ll teach you. Next time you’ll know that when I call for you, you shouldn’t fucking show up five minutes late!”

     With delighted malevolence, the CEO smiled. “On your knees.”

     ‘ _Fuck_! Oh no.’

     Taeyong had small tears running down his cheeks, an inner turmoil occurring inside his head. What was he to do—it had been like this since his trainee days. “P-please stop.” He pleaded in a weak and frail voice. He hated this—why did he have to do it every single day?

     ‘Oh, right. I can’t let anyone else go through this.’ But why couldn’t he control his body? Why were his hands shaking? He certainly didn’t know.

     Without thinking, Taeyong pushed the boss away. Sprinting away from the open door, he shoved himself into the elevator. It wasn’t that he didn’t care—he just had too much going around in his mind. Throwing himself out the elevator, he raced down the street, back to the dorms. 

     Once he slammed the door shut, Taeyong released even more tears—he bursted into them. He slowly turned his head to stare at the clock. “Almost five. Better start making breakfast—not that I can eat anything now.” Really, he was too drained to consume anything. His “diet” didn’t even include food before noon. 

     Slipping into the kitchen, he slumped over to the fridge. Taeyong pulled out thirty-six eggs, making sure none of them fell over. He flicked on the stove—accidentally burning himself on it. “Ouch.” Taeyong jerked in surprise. He had thought he was being careful! 

     He took his sweet time turning the gas off and making his merry way to the sink. Once in front of it, he hesitated. Did he really need to? Sure, it was painful—but did he really need to waste the water like that? 

     Just as he was turning around to resume cooking breakfast, a hand from behind him grasped his wrist. “Ah!” Taeyong slightly flailed, wincing from his bruises getting pressed. 

     “What the cheese are you doing?” Johnny snarled, “You have a burn on your hand and you’re not gonna do anything about it?!”

     “Well—”

     “Don’t give me any of your dumb excuses. I can see that you’re neglecting your health. You’re crying over it!” Johnny quickly twisted the tap and shoved Taeyong’s hand into the cool water. 

     “I wasn’t crying over it!” Taeyong rolled his eyes. Why the heck would he cry over a dumb _ burn _ ?

     “Then why do you have tear tracks on your face? What else would you have to cry abou—”

     “Who’s crying?” Mark padded into the room, sleepily looking around in a haze. His eyes widened upon seeing Taeyong’s stained face, red hands and harsh bruises lining his wrists. “Hyung is crying? What’s wrong?”

     “I’m no—”

     Mark padded to the sink, yawning cutely. “And why do you have those bruises on your wrists?”

     Johnny backed away, his eyes widening with fear. He stumbled back in a movement of panic. “I didn’t do that, did I? I knew my grip was strong, but not—”

     “Chill, Johnny—it wasn’t you. They were already there before you came to waste the water.”

     With a glance to Taeyong’s hands, he had an offended expression. “Are you saying I wasted the water? On you?” His eyes narrowed in scrutiny. “ _ They were already there _ ?”

     Sighing, Taeyong went back to the stove to click it back on. After adding a few eggs, he could acutely feel eyes digging into his very being. He would ignore it—for now.

     It’s not like Taeyong hadn’t had bruises around the others. This time, they were too dark to be considered a mild accident. The location of the purple splotches was a new thing. They were in a visible spot. Really, who has rings of purple that encompass their entire wrist? He couldn’t blame that on anything.

     Once all the unfertilized chicken fetuses were fried and cooked, he slapped them onto a plate. Smiling a little, he turned to see all of the members milling about sleepily. They all looked up at the sound of eggs, and a mouthwatering smell seeping from the plate. 

     They each grabbed a scoop of eggs (some grabbing a bigger one than others). Of course, Taeyong didn’t eat any, but he could tell the others were enjoying it. “Are the eggos cool beans?”

     The entire table paused. “Hyung, why don’t you have some?” Mark cautiously asked.

     “Ah, no thanks Mark. Maybe I’ll eat something when I’m out?”

     Suddenly, Johnny banged his fist on the table. His eyes were dark and angry, a scary thing to see on such a kind and patient person. “Shut up! I don’t want to hear that! I want some answers  _ now _ . Why were you crying? Where did those bruises come from? Damn it, ans—”

     Johnny paused at the sound of harsh breathing, coming from the man in question. Taeil whacked the back of Johnny’s head, and rushed to comfort Taeyong. Lucas was already clinging to the other boy, and Taeyong felt tears brimming his eyes. This kid didn’t deserve what he had to go through himself. None of them had to. He was going to make sure that it didn’t happen, no matter what it took.

     A knock at the door brought everyone out of the awkward silence—and their thoughts. Lucas slowly crept to the door and yanked the door open. “Where’s Taeyong?” Their manager asked, looking around before stepping inside the dorm. 

     “Is he angry?” Taeyong was really dreading the answer. 

     “Yes.” She seemed gloomy, and with a apologetic grimace, “He wants Lucas.”

     Horrified and confused silence was all that met that statement. “Oh shit.” Taeyong started to frown. “This is all my fault.”

     The manager had gasped, “No, it’s not your fault! If anyone knew what he has been doing to you, I swear—”

     “Noona, it’s okay. I’ll just go with Lucas—offer myself instead. I don’t know why I had defied his demands in the first place. That was irresponsible and irrational of me.” Taeyong had already accepted his fate. He would have to bring an extra change of clothes—for blood, cum or both, he didn’t know.

     “‘Offer’ yourself?” Johnny frowned, a small spark of realization pushing up into his eyes.

     Taeyong glanced at the table and everything on it, and motioned for Lucas to come with him. He wasn’t making eye contact with anybody. Keeping that in mind, he slowly paced to the door. 

     He gave a small hug to their manager, who had tears in her eyes. “It’s different this time, Yong.” She seemed terrified, and it was then that Taeyong knew. “He’s not going to give mercy.”

     With a resigned sigh, he opened the entrance and stepped out—eyeing Lucas in a way that probably said ‘Come on.’


	2. Lucas Finds Out?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucas finds out what really happens. Can he keep a secret?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I'm so late! School picked up at a terrible time!

          ‘It’s funny how you learn to care so much about someone that you would do anything for them.’ Taeyong had always found it a foreign concept. The thought of wanting someone to dance with, sing with—heck, to even long for skinship with. The first time that he had experienced this odd feeling was when he had just been dismissed after another beating. Sicheng had plopped upon his lap, running long fingers through his sweaty hair. Of course, Taeyong had been in a secretive pain, but that hadn’t really mattered at the time—or ever, honestly.

          He snapped out of his thoughts when Lucas had let a small whimper of fear drain out of his throat. The boys had wandered down the street together, Taeyong’s eyes brimming with small tears. What was he going to do? “Lucas?”

          “Yes, Hyung?”

          “Whatever you may see when we get there, promise me you won’t tell anyone.”

          “Why, Hyung?” Another whine tore out of his mouth, innocent eyes gleaming—reflecting the dull clouds in the sky.

          Taeyong smiled. A devastatingly heartbreaking grin. Some positive gesture just to reassure Lucas that it would be alright. Small droplets were falling from the sky, and Lucas was already shivering from the cold—despite only being outside for a few seconds. The chill had made them pace faster, an unfortunate occurrence when you’re trying to avoid something.

          They stepped into the warm building. The only thing that made it warm was the temperature. “Hyung?”

          “Yes, Lucas?”

          “Why are you crying?”

          Huh. He hadn’t even noticed. Giving another smile, Taeyong flicked the younger boy’s head. “I’m not. It’s just the rain.” He replied, his eyes giving nothing but love and affection. Taking note of the worried frown that met him,he figured that his little brothers knew him too well.

          They both dripped small splats of water on the elevator floor as they scurried to press a button. Floor 15. There was a small cough, belonging to another occupant. Another, sneezing minutely. It was no surprise that all seven occupants in the elevator knew what was going to happen. Really, they didn’t know what they expected when they signed a privacy contract. Most of them thought that it was “don’t spoil comebacks or concepts” or “try not to expose idol’s social lives” (not that many of them had one anyway, due to the strict company policies). They soon knew once Taeyong had come out of an office with prominent bruises. Taeyong glanced at them all—nervously biting his lip. Two smiled at him, the others sending him a pitying look.

          Both boys squeezed out of the elevator, one shaking in fear and the other confused and scared. With great mental strength, Taeyong knocked on the door. ‘I’m doing this for the people I love’, he thought. ‘That makes it okay. I’d rather it me instead of him.’

          The door had suddenly smacked open—a loud  _ bang _ resonating in the hallway. As they were both being pulled into the room, Taeyong could only worry. With a serene smile (he was hiding his emotions, he wasn’t stupid), he offered a deal.

          “If you only take me—not Lucas—I’ll let you do whatever you want.”

          Lucas glanced back and forth between the two, looking thewless, a mass of emotions and realization resounding in his eyes. In the younger’s mind, there was a cri de coeur. What was Lucas to do. As worry ebbed away at his mind, he was deep in thought by the time the CEO had said his reply to to Taeyong.

          “—has to watch.” Wait, what had happened? Was the CEO referring to him?

          Lucas was so stuck in his bafflement that he hadn’t realized Taeyong’s horrified stance. Taeyong’s eyes were widened in slight horror, his mind moving—small thoughts circulating his mind. This was a problem, however, as the CEO had seemed to notice his hesitation—not that it wasn’t obvious anyway. “Oh? Would you rather—”

          “No. I’ll d-do it.” Oh shit, he shouldn’t have interrupted. As Taeyong promptly flinched, a big meaty hand came to whack him across his cheek. A resounding ‘smack’ filled the air creating a suffocating atmosphere. Bitter satisfaction welled up inside Taeyong, only stopping when a smile curled at the edges of his mouth—to spite him or to appear strong, he didn’t know.

          The CEO’s eyes looked lifeless, not betraying any emotions (although Taeyong knew that he was angry—what else would he be? Completely ignoring Lucas’ flabbergasted gasp, the CEO continued to place blows on Taeyong’s body. Of course, he wasn’t stupid. He had strategically placed the jabs on places that couldn’t be easily found—with the exception of the first one. Lucas had no idea what to think.

          “S-stop. Stop it. Please stop doing that to Hyung.” Lucas was shaking now, small sobs coming from his mouth. The two others in the room snapped their head to the youngest.

          “As if I care what you want me to do.” The CEO rolled his eyes imperceptibly, frustration leaking from his posture and tone. “Just sit there looking pretty until I’m done with this bitch of a Hyung you have—not that he’s a very good one.”

          Taeyong flinched. The blows upon his body hadn’t been merciful, and he knew that he didn’t look so desirable at the moment. His mind was fuzzy as he glanced at Lucas. Lucas was frozen in his spot, his huge eyes glazed over in horror and trepidation (the latter for the fear of harm coming to his member).

          Gathering all his courage, Taeyong spoke. “It’s okay. I’m used to it. You’ll be a strong kid for me, right?”

          ‘He was _ used to it? _ But that would mean—’

          The CEO started to shake his head in a sadistic exasperation. “You know he was doing all this to protect your pathetic ass? I don’t know why he would bother, honestly.” He was pinching the bridge of his nose now—giving out an exhausted sigh. “Just get out—both of you little shits. I’m having an exceptionally bad morning, and I really don’t even want to bother with you at the moment.”

          Taeyong had breathed out a sigh in relief. He was being let go? So early? With a discontented sigh, he pushed himself up from the floor (which he had fallen on—he didn’t know when though). Grabbing Lucas’ arm in a tight grip, he quickly bowed to his boss and slipped out the door. They sprinted down the stairs. He was almost running from the building, Lucas’ limb still placed in his strong hand. Behind him, the younger boy had snapped away from his shock. ‘He’s still processing things’, Taeyong thought. ‘I hope he keeps his promise.’

          “Doesn’t it hurt?”

          Taeyong had finally stopped in a nearby park. Small beams of light had been peeking out from the precarious clouds, a rainbow forming in the rapidly clearing sky. 

          “No.” A lie. Probably one of many that would need to happen if he didn’t shut this down now. “You’ll keep your promise, right?”

          “ _ What? _ ” Shock had filled the air, he knew it would be filled with many,  _ many _ questions. “But he was hurting you! Seriously, didn’t it hurt? What were you thinking? Has this happened before? Why was—”

          “Calm down, Lucas.” Taeyong gave a sad smile. “You know you can’t tell anyone, right?”

          “But—” A protest was forming in the confines of his throat, a whine was once again spilling from his lips.

          “No, please. You can’t tell anyone. This is  _ our dream _ . We are NCT 127, aren’t we? This is what we  _ want _ .” Taeyong pleaded. He was trying to reason with his younger brother. Surely it was unreasonable to tell someone? If someone found out, they would split the whole group up, and NCT wouldn't be around anymore. “This is okay if it helps us all, right?”

          “What did the CEO mean when he said that it was to protect me? You can’t expect me not to be curious.”

          Should he tell him? Taeyong had hesitated for the second time that day. Ah, fuck it. “Well, he thinks you’re really... _ pretty. _ If it wasn’t me, then it would be you. I can’t let that happen.” Unshed tears burned at the corner of his eyes.

          This was all for him? Lucas wanted to cry. He wanted to scream as loud as he could, and slip under his blanket for the next week—no, scratch that. For the next lifetime. “Okay Hyung, I won’t tell anyone. But you must know that I have to help you with this.” They strolled to a bench, looking each other in the eyes. 

          “Thank you.”

          What Taeyong hadn’t noticed however, was Lucas’ fingers crossed behind his back—just in case.

          ‘I had never noticed how strong Taeyong was until now.’

          “So...where are your injuries? Do you need bandages? Oh my gosh I’ve never done this, oh no what if I mes—”

          “You’ll be fine, I trust you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is so short! Writing actions had never been one of my strong suits...


	3. Healing Scars

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long friends! I just had a Language Arts final today so I think I was dying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The end is near. :)

     A month had already passed, and life was pretty normal. Johnny  _ was _ sending him suspicious glances though, but despite being suspicious, had not decided to take any action. Thank goodness.

     Whenever Taeyong had returned to the dorm late, Lucas was always insistent on treating his wounds. It was a welcome help—not just physically but also mentally. The beatings had gotten harsher, but that wasn’t really a prominent problem they had needed to solve at the moment (with the looming comeback).

     Of course, this had all changed when Taeyong actually came home  _ early  _ one night. Lucas had known that something bad had occurred when Taeyong stumbled into the dorm,  _ sticky _ . Sticky with an invasive substance. Blood was pooling around the ground he walked—he was  _ shaking  _ in fear.

     With a terrified whimper, Taeyong had stayed silent, even as Lucas had attempted to help. ‘Wait a second—blood, white stuff—oh my god…’

     “Hyung?” with that, Taeyong broke down, giant tears rolling down his pale cheeks.

     “Oh gosh, Lucas—he did—he, oh gosh—”

     “What? What did he do? Hyung, what had he do to you? What did that bastard to you?” Lucas was yelling in fear and anger, not wanting to hear the words he had dreaded to think about. He had no doubt that he was waking the other members, but really, he didn’t care—he was going to tell them anyway. The younger boy gazed into tear-filled eyes, a sob slipping from his  _ own _ throat.

    Taeyong flinched violently. His eyes had filled up with more tears, each sob louder than the next. Echoing down the halls were cries of sorrow. “I didn’t think he would actually—I mean I never thought he would do it again. He hadn’t even tried in so long.”

     “ _ Again? _ ” Both pairs of eyes had shifted to the door. “What do you mean by _ again? _ ” Johnny was shaking in anger. No, nevermind that. He was crying too.

     Now Taeyong felt guilty. Everyone was disgruntled because of him? He was getting to be too much trouble these days.Why was he even still in this group? SM Entertainment accepts talented people—not someone like him. With a sigh, he plopped from the bathroom counter he was sitting on, making sure he wouldn’t run into any of the other members as he tripped down the hall. 

     Taeyong slammed the door to his room shut and threw himself under the covers. A tear leaked down his cheek and made its way into his mouth, causing mild discomfort in the salty taste that followed. A door could be heard opening, a creak resounding throughout the room.

     Soft footsteps, followed by quiet whispers of reassurance. Taeil. As he gently guided Taeyong into his arms, he comforted him with physical contact and verbal affection. Taeyong suddenly knew that everything would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's so short! My mental health had really declined in the time period I took, so I had no motivation.


	4. Loose Ends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trying to move on....and Hyuningkai sorry not sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who supported me lol <3

     Everyone knew who Taeyong was now. It was all over the news. Blood pounded in his ears, as the local station depicted a man being led out with handcuffs. So, that was it? The man that caused him pain and despair was never to be seen in his life again? Sure, he would have to give an official statement, but he was still free. Was he really though? Suddenly, a hand landed on his shoulder, sending Taeyong flying from his chair. He inhaled air into his lungs.

     “Oh gosh, I’m so sorry! I wasn’t thinking and—”, a younger boy started to frantically bow, tripping over himself to get away from the shouts of outrage from fans.

     Taeyong flinched for what felt like the thousandth time in days. Oh yeah. He was at an award show, and had to live through the sympathetic stares of the idols near him. He looked down, turning to the young boy who was hurriedly bowing in a panic. Deciding better of it, he pulled the  _ child _ —Hyuningkai—up and swept him into a hug. 

     They both froze, interlocked in a stiff embrace. The screams of fans surrounded them, and Taeyong berated himself for being so  _ stupid _ . He pulled away, making eye contact with the child in front of him. “You okay?”

     Hyuningkai nodded, shakily gulping air into his panic-filled lungs. “Yes, thank you.” He took a deep breath, gasping. “I just wanted to ask you something,” he timidly started, biting his lip and looking towards the floor.

     Taeyong smiled. “Okay?”

     “I...what was it like?”

     He froze, feeling as if ice shards were impaling his body. He still had a long way to go. Sighing, Taeyong hesitantly grinned. “It gets better—it may seem like hell—but it’s worth it.” He glanced back to his members—witnessing the beginning of a disaster.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I took so long! This may seem like an excuse, but I had the play, the talent show, poetry slam, and I had to write the Valedictorian speech for our school kheifiwgfigwiy My life is so busy rn wtf

**Author's Note:**

> I plan on this having 2-6 chapters? I may be able to work on it, but life comes with all its ups and downs so...eh.
> 
> I'm young—my age range is 13-20. Is anybody willing to give me writing tips? I want to bring justice to this topic, but to start I need to improve myself.


End file.
